Coming apart at the seams

Chaos

As I tumble through the darkness I make one wish:
that when all of this is over and I step into the light,
even if things have changed and will never be the same,
for just one day let everything be alright.

As my feet attempt to navigate the unfamiliar, uneven ground
I try to take in everything I see.
I’m surrounded by a cloud of my own confusion,
and the walls feels like they’re closing in around me.

I dig for the strength I know I have hidden
so I can stay true to the person I know I can be
Even as things spiral of if control.
I will fight my way free.

This poem says it all. The past month has been tough for me. It seems like the harder I try to get back on my feet the more off balance I become. I feel like a toddler learning how to walk for the first time.

When my Grandma died my whole world tilted and it’s  been a little off balance ever since. My heart breaks a little again from time to time as I try to move on and help with things. On top of that I have been trying to figure out where I am going to live and how to start my 401k. That doesn’t include how busy things have been at work and the sense of being incredibly overwhelmed I simply cannot shake.

I miss my friends and I would love to spend a day with them not worrying about anything, but when everyone lives in a different city with a different schedule, getting together is exponentially harder.

I know it will get better and I have been staying positive. However, there are moments where it takes all of my willpower to function normally and keep it together. I have too many emotions and find myself feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

I know I’m not the only one who has felt like this and, honestly, that’s okay. Growing up is hard to do.

Here are some takeaways I have for anyone who feels like they are struggling to keep it together:

Weakness is okay

You don’t always have to be Hercules strong. Tears are okay. Sometimes putting up a brave front might make everything tougher.

Chocolate

Eating a little chocolate here and there is totally okay when when you’re feeling down. Ice cream is also a good idea. And don’t feel bad about eating it. Do you really need to feel guilt on top of all that? Let loose a little.

Lean on your friends

Lean on your friends. They aren’t just there to party with. If they are truly your friend, they will be there when things get tough as well. Take advantage of that. Embrace their support.

Breathe

Just breathe. As much as you might want them to, your problems might not go away as quickly as you like. They might not be easy to handle either. Just breathe.

That’s all I have for you. If you have any advice to share with me, I’m all ears. Also, on a unrelated note, I am open to suggestions of types of small dog breeds to own.

My Twentysomething Diet

I would just like to start out by saying I have mad respect for all the moms/dads/sisters/brothers/people out there who work all day and still manage to have a well-balanced, delicious meal on the table at dinner time. I have yet to develop this skill and am very excited for when I do.

Until then, my meals are all over the places. Some days I do manage to have a well-balanced reasonably good meal on the table at dinner time. Other days I eat popcorn and a handful of M&Ms and call it dinner. Some days I eat at a reasonable time like 5:30 p.m. or even 6:30 p.m. Last night I ate dinner at 9 p.m.

It’s not for a lack of trying. I have bookmarked, pinned and printed tons of recipes and have even tried a bunch of them. What it comes down to is poor planning and time, but mostly time.

I have the best intentions in mind, but I don’t always remember said intentions when I am grocery shopping and should be purchasing ingredients for meals. That or I don’t plan the meal until the day of and have to make a quick run to the store. Sometimes I forget an ingredient. When I remember all the ingredients sometimes I try to cook the recipe and it tastes weird or I burn it.

There are days, even weeks sometimes, where I have things planned out better and I have all the ingredients I need and the meal even tastes delicious, but then that pesky time factor comes into play.

I get home from work at 4:30 p.m. That’s actually earlier than most people so you’d think I could figure something out. Not so much. By the time I run and/or lift it and shower it always seems to be 6:30 p.m. at the earliest. So if you figure in prep time and cooking time I then end up eating dinner around 8 p.m. The struggle is real.

You know what? Maybe they use Time-Turners! Where do I get my Time-Turner? Will it come to me in time? Should I just give in and make my dinner time 8 p.m. officially? Teach my your ways!

Career Day Dilemma

So tomorrow I have to, scratch that, get to present at a Career Fair at the local High School. Yup, you read that right I get to go tell high schoolers what I do, how I got here and offer any advice I may have as they head toward their future careers. WHAT?!

Here’s the issue. My career journey thus far can be described more like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind than a determined young professional chasing her dreams. How I am supposed to sound like I know what’s up as I talk to these curious young minds when there are days when I feel completely lost? I don’t know how I ended up here and I don’t know where I’m going.

Here’s the other thing. I hate presenting. Standing up in front of people and talking for any amount of time is my least favorite thing ever. I participated in Forensics all throughout grade school and high school in the hopes I would become a better presenter. Nope! I don’t think I improved at all.

When I think about how things will go tomorrow I flash back to when I was in High School and I felt like I was constantly being judged. Considering some of my fashion choices back then it shouldn’t be a huge surprise, but I was scared everything I did and said was being judged. Granted it was high school and that’s not entirely wrong it’s also largely blown out of proportion. Nonetheless when I think about tomorrow all those all feelings come back and I know that’s what’s going to happen.

I’m being ridiculous. It was not that long ago that I was one of those high schoolers. I know they won’t care what I have to say. More than likely, they are just excited to not have to go to regular classes all day. I could talk to them in a monotone for a half hour and they wouldn’t care because they basically have a free day.

I need to chill. I know I’m looking at this the wrong way. If I can give advice or inspiration to just one high schooler then I have succeeded. I need to look at this as a great opportunity and not a punishment. These students don’t need to know where I’m going with my life. They’re just starting out too. We’ll figure it out together.